Top Five Fridays - October 27, 2006 + November 3, 2006
"There are some things I can hardly say
You've got me feeling a brand new way
Please don't let this be summerlong"
I spent last Friday night catching up with an old high school friend. So below you'll find two Top Five Fridays to make up for last week's 'missing' episode.
Top Five Fridays - October 27, 2006:
Top five materials needed for properly implementing a Neighborhood Watch program.
5) Multiple rolls of 'CAUTION' tape.
When a crime occurs, you'll need to cordon off the area. That way everyone will be alerted that a crime has occurred. Or that them dern kids put another flaming bag of dog poo on Old Man Corker's front porch again. Mark off the area of the smoldering bag of scat. That way no young 'uns will get harmed, or idiots will get their shoes covered in dog shit.
4) Pitchforks and torches.
This one is for your personal crusade against evil-doers in your stomping ground. That meth lab up the block. The house that a prostitution ring is running out of. That big, burly neighbor that keeps dumping his grass clipping on YOUR side of the fence. Light the fires, bring out the pitchforks, and get to righting the wrongs. That rat bastard will never again toss his 'empties' into your backyard!
3) 250,000W spotlight.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but it's really dark during the night time. You need to make sure that you have a strong enough spotlight so that whilst patrolling your territory any wrongdoings can be seen. Don't worry about waking the neighbors. With you defending the area, they will sleep the sleep of the protected. To the Batmobile boy wonder!
2) Shotguns.
That's right Gary, guns that fire shots. When coming upon a potential burglar, what are you going to do? Offer him a hamburger? No. You need shotguns. Big, scary shotguns. One's that you can pump. That way the intruder will be warned that you are in fact armed and dangerous. Shells are not really necessary, since you don't want to hurt anyone. Especially yourself, Deputy Fife.
1) Signs advertising Neighborhood Watch program.
Half of your work will be done for you if you post signs all over your community alerting that this burrough is protected. Screw that they look tacky. Make sure nothing, and I mean nothing, obstructs these foreboders. Also, please make sure that they remain in pristine condition. Graffiti may send out the wrong message. Make sure to have at least one garage in the neighborhood full of back-up signs. That way you can spring into action at the slightest hint of dust, debris, or splattered tomatoes.
Top Five Fridays - November 3, 2006:
Top five tips for driving in West Knoxville.
5) Turn signals need only be applied when the actual turn is being made.
Make sure to start applying your brake a good two or three miles before your turn. And for all that is holy make sure that you are in the lane that the turn will need to be made from. I don't care if you're making the turn onto Cedar Bluff, and you're still in Des Moines. Make sure you're in the correct lane! Once you are at the point of turning, flip on that blinker as you're turning the wheel. You want to make sure that the person behind you knows that you're turning into MickyDee's.
4) 15 MPH is permissible in all lanes of traffic, no matter what the speed limit.
Left lane, right lane, turn lane, emergency lane it doesn't matter. Wherever you end up, please be sure to enjoy the sights along the way. You never know when you'll see another car dealership or Krystal's quite like those in West Knoxville. As a bonus the road beneath you is evenly paved, and will always be that way. No other roads in Knoxville matter as much as the ones in West Knoxville. Take great pleasure in meandering along those black-topped avenues of pure bliss. Oh, there's a Home Depot! Slow down Harold, we may not see another one of those for at least another half hour.
3) Merge away! They'll all move out of your way or stop.
Oops! Did you forget that you need to pop by Best Buy to pre-order a PS3, Wii, and 74" Plasma TV for little Jimmy's Christmas gifts? It doesn't matter that you're heading right onto Northshore, cross across all five lanes of rush hour traffic. People will move out of your way, they have nothing better to do. It's a good thing you hadn't turned on your right blinker yet!
2) Monstrous SUVs CANNOT be driven by anyone that weighs more than 100 lbs.
It also helps if you ride alone, or with your one child. These vehicles started out being used in off-roading trips, or if you had a litter of children but wanted to remain cool. Now it seems like the only people that navigate these monstrosities are 93 lb. soccer moms. Gone are the days of the Volvo Station Wagon or Mini Van. Now you need a Hummer in order to cart little Suzie off to pre-school. A necessary add-on is a few phone books to be able to see over the dashboard. Then again if you hit anything while driving this city block on wheels, I'm sure the other car will be the one worse for wear. That is unless it's another asphalt-tank driven by an 87 pounder on her way to spin class. That could be catastrophe!
1) Cell phone conversation MUST take precedence over driving.
One must keep up with what's going on with so-and-so's crack-addled fiance, who's kids are on a quadruple dose of Ritalin, or must at all times look cool for the ladies. Cause nothing looks better than cruising along, then crashing to that telephone pole because you were still on the phone. What am I saying, that would never happen. What's even better is if you have a Blackberry. That way you can surf the web, make a shopping list, keep up with your stock portfolio, check the line on Saturday's game, and play Pong while behind the wheel going along at about 63 MPH down Papermill. Nothing bad will happen. Did you have that invisible force field installed last week or the week before that?
Until next time:
"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road." - Author Unknown
You've got me feeling a brand new way
Please don't let this be summerlong"
I spent last Friday night catching up with an old high school friend. So below you'll find two Top Five Fridays to make up for last week's 'missing' episode.
Top Five Fridays - October 27, 2006:
Top five materials needed for properly implementing a Neighborhood Watch program.
5) Multiple rolls of 'CAUTION' tape.
When a crime occurs, you'll need to cordon off the area. That way everyone will be alerted that a crime has occurred. Or that them dern kids put another flaming bag of dog poo on Old Man Corker's front porch again. Mark off the area of the smoldering bag of scat. That way no young 'uns will get harmed, or idiots will get their shoes covered in dog shit.
4) Pitchforks and torches.
This one is for your personal crusade against evil-doers in your stomping ground. That meth lab up the block. The house that a prostitution ring is running out of. That big, burly neighbor that keeps dumping his grass clipping on YOUR side of the fence. Light the fires, bring out the pitchforks, and get to righting the wrongs. That rat bastard will never again toss his 'empties' into your backyard!
3) 250,000W spotlight.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but it's really dark during the night time. You need to make sure that you have a strong enough spotlight so that whilst patrolling your territory any wrongdoings can be seen. Don't worry about waking the neighbors. With you defending the area, they will sleep the sleep of the protected. To the Batmobile boy wonder!
2) Shotguns.
That's right Gary, guns that fire shots. When coming upon a potential burglar, what are you going to do? Offer him a hamburger? No. You need shotguns. Big, scary shotguns. One's that you can pump. That way the intruder will be warned that you are in fact armed and dangerous. Shells are not really necessary, since you don't want to hurt anyone. Especially yourself, Deputy Fife.
1) Signs advertising Neighborhood Watch program.
Half of your work will be done for you if you post signs all over your community alerting that this burrough is protected. Screw that they look tacky. Make sure nothing, and I mean nothing, obstructs these foreboders. Also, please make sure that they remain in pristine condition. Graffiti may send out the wrong message. Make sure to have at least one garage in the neighborhood full of back-up signs. That way you can spring into action at the slightest hint of dust, debris, or splattered tomatoes.
Top Five Fridays - November 3, 2006:
Top five tips for driving in West Knoxville.
5) Turn signals need only be applied when the actual turn is being made.
Make sure to start applying your brake a good two or three miles before your turn. And for all that is holy make sure that you are in the lane that the turn will need to be made from. I don't care if you're making the turn onto Cedar Bluff, and you're still in Des Moines. Make sure you're in the correct lane! Once you are at the point of turning, flip on that blinker as you're turning the wheel. You want to make sure that the person behind you knows that you're turning into MickyDee's.
4) 15 MPH is permissible in all lanes of traffic, no matter what the speed limit.
Left lane, right lane, turn lane, emergency lane it doesn't matter. Wherever you end up, please be sure to enjoy the sights along the way. You never know when you'll see another car dealership or Krystal's quite like those in West Knoxville. As a bonus the road beneath you is evenly paved, and will always be that way. No other roads in Knoxville matter as much as the ones in West Knoxville. Take great pleasure in meandering along those black-topped avenues of pure bliss. Oh, there's a Home Depot! Slow down Harold, we may not see another one of those for at least another half hour.
3) Merge away! They'll all move out of your way or stop.
Oops! Did you forget that you need to pop by Best Buy to pre-order a PS3, Wii, and 74" Plasma TV for little Jimmy's Christmas gifts? It doesn't matter that you're heading right onto Northshore, cross across all five lanes of rush hour traffic. People will move out of your way, they have nothing better to do. It's a good thing you hadn't turned on your right blinker yet!
2) Monstrous SUVs CANNOT be driven by anyone that weighs more than 100 lbs.
It also helps if you ride alone, or with your one child. These vehicles started out being used in off-roading trips, or if you had a litter of children but wanted to remain cool. Now it seems like the only people that navigate these monstrosities are 93 lb. soccer moms. Gone are the days of the Volvo Station Wagon or Mini Van. Now you need a Hummer in order to cart little Suzie off to pre-school. A necessary add-on is a few phone books to be able to see over the dashboard. Then again if you hit anything while driving this city block on wheels, I'm sure the other car will be the one worse for wear. That is unless it's another asphalt-tank driven by an 87 pounder on her way to spin class. That could be catastrophe!
1) Cell phone conversation MUST take precedence over driving.
One must keep up with what's going on with so-and-so's crack-addled fiance, who's kids are on a quadruple dose of Ritalin, or must at all times look cool for the ladies. Cause nothing looks better than cruising along, then crashing to that telephone pole because you were still on the phone. What am I saying, that would never happen. What's even better is if you have a Blackberry. That way you can surf the web, make a shopping list, keep up with your stock portfolio, check the line on Saturday's game, and play Pong while behind the wheel going along at about 63 MPH down Papermill. Nothing bad will happen. Did you have that invisible force field installed last week or the week before that?
Until next time:
"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road." - Author Unknown
posted by The Big Man | 11/03/2006 11:59:00 PM
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