Top Five Fridays - May 11, 2007
"Doctor or Lawyer
I'll never be
Life of a drifter
The only life for me"
Top Five Fridays - May 11, 2007
Top five creatures found whilst cleaning the basement.
5) Serpentus terrorizism
The poet Samuel L. Jackson once said "I'm tired of these mothaeffin' snakes on this mothaeffin' plane." You'll feel the same after having had tens of the slippery, no-legged beings scurry around your feet and ankles. Heaven forbid they are big enough to squeeze all of the feeling from your extremities. Then you're in a heap of trouble bubba. One solution to avoidance is to strategically place chairs throughout out the room. This may not be a permanent solution, but will work until the exterminator arrives.
4) Aliendromeo symbioteosaurus
This one is a tricky creature, and also goes by the name Venomous carnagigan. Be very, very weary to hold any manor of confrontation with this beast. Any skin exposure will lead to cheesy piano playing, dorky street dancing, and a very strong affinity for My Chemical Romance music. That's right. You will become, what the youth of today refer to as 'an emo.' You don't want that. In research for these tips you are now reading we found that at one point in the past a young man by the name of Cletus had to be put down before he completely turned into the dreaded 'emo.' Bad times, bad times. Don't let your loved ones fall prey to such an abomination.
3) Verminoreios cheeseatus
These entities vary greatly in size, shape, and lethality. You have your garden variety field mice, which are a tad on the small side. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Then you have the full-fledged NYC sewer rat, otherwise known as a 'varmint.' At any size they are very toxic. Almost as toxic as having unprotected intercourse with Lindsey Lohan. Almost. The upside is that most of this species can be easily removed from your basement. All you need to do is box them into a corner, pull out your official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, and get to eliminating them like they're Black Bart trying to rob your family.
2) Clownaia creepifilum
Even though these loathsome creatures appear happy, on the inside they are simply sick, twisted shells of what used to be human in nature. Now all that appears is a metric ton of white powder, a half gallon of bright red lip gloss, shoes the size of a steamer on the Mississippi Delta, and a Mars-colored orb on the tip of their nose. If you have even the faintest inkling that one might be in your basement, be careful when descending the stairs. You may fail to return to the land of normality. I suggest boarding up all the doors to the aforementioned basement, selling the domicile post-haste, and moving into a single level residence. That's the only true way to completely avoid these giants of hideousness. That and stay the hell away from the circus.
1) Zombsarco slowus
These beings are easiest to track from the low, dull moans they project through the musty, basement air. Be forewarned, they may be slow, but they are in fact deadly. If one gets a hold of you, well let's just say that a messy downstairs will be the least of your worries. You have two options as far as these 'zombies' are concerned: First, you can set them loose on your neighborhood; second, you can vanquish them. For the former we do not seriously suggest this as a viable option. Unless you have an iron-clad fortress this will only reek more havoc on your person and property. The latter idea would be best served by reading the texts of one Max Brooks, who is an expert on the subject of 'undead disposal.' Pick up a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide before heading into the nether reaches of your basement. It may be your only hope.
Until next time:
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot." - Mark Twain
I'll never be
Life of a drifter
The only life for me"
Top Five Fridays - May 11, 2007
Top five creatures found whilst cleaning the basement.
5) Serpentus terrorizism
The poet Samuel L. Jackson once said "I'm tired of these mothaeffin' snakes on this mothaeffin' plane." You'll feel the same after having had tens of the slippery, no-legged beings scurry around your feet and ankles. Heaven forbid they are big enough to squeeze all of the feeling from your extremities. Then you're in a heap of trouble bubba. One solution to avoidance is to strategically place chairs throughout out the room. This may not be a permanent solution, but will work until the exterminator arrives.
4) Aliendromeo symbioteosaurus
This one is a tricky creature, and also goes by the name Venomous carnagigan. Be very, very weary to hold any manor of confrontation with this beast. Any skin exposure will lead to cheesy piano playing, dorky street dancing, and a very strong affinity for My Chemical Romance music. That's right. You will become, what the youth of today refer to as 'an emo.' You don't want that. In research for these tips you are now reading we found that at one point in the past a young man by the name of Cletus had to be put down before he completely turned into the dreaded 'emo.' Bad times, bad times. Don't let your loved ones fall prey to such an abomination.
3) Verminoreios cheeseatus
These entities vary greatly in size, shape, and lethality. You have your garden variety field mice, which are a tad on the small side. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Then you have the full-fledged NYC sewer rat, otherwise known as a 'varmint.' At any size they are very toxic. Almost as toxic as having unprotected intercourse with Lindsey Lohan. Almost. The upside is that most of this species can be easily removed from your basement. All you need to do is box them into a corner, pull out your official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, and get to eliminating them like they're Black Bart trying to rob your family.
2) Clownaia creepifilum
Even though these loathsome creatures appear happy, on the inside they are simply sick, twisted shells of what used to be human in nature. Now all that appears is a metric ton of white powder, a half gallon of bright red lip gloss, shoes the size of a steamer on the Mississippi Delta, and a Mars-colored orb on the tip of their nose. If you have even the faintest inkling that one might be in your basement, be careful when descending the stairs. You may fail to return to the land of normality. I suggest boarding up all the doors to the aforementioned basement, selling the domicile post-haste, and moving into a single level residence. That's the only true way to completely avoid these giants of hideousness. That and stay the hell away from the circus.
1) Zombsarco slowus
These beings are easiest to track from the low, dull moans they project through the musty, basement air. Be forewarned, they may be slow, but they are in fact deadly. If one gets a hold of you, well let's just say that a messy downstairs will be the least of your worries. You have two options as far as these 'zombies' are concerned: First, you can set them loose on your neighborhood; second, you can vanquish them. For the former we do not seriously suggest this as a viable option. Unless you have an iron-clad fortress this will only reek more havoc on your person and property. The latter idea would be best served by reading the texts of one Max Brooks, who is an expert on the subject of 'undead disposal.' Pick up a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide before heading into the nether reaches of your basement. It may be your only hope.
Until next time:
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot." - Mark Twain
posted by The Big Man | 5/11/2007 11:46:00 PM
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