Top Five Fridays - November 10, 2006
"Time out from the world
Leaving it all
Just for a day"
Top Five Fridays - November 10, 2006:
Top five ways to offend your coworkers.
5) Jump out of nowhere, scare the beejesus out of everyone.
Hide around corners, in free cubicles, and sometimes even in the supply closet. To make it even sweeter whip out the ol' mask from last year's Halloween costume. Just make sure to bend at the knee when crouching low, and make a full upwards and forward thrust when jumping out at someone. You want to make it dramatic, terrifying, and pee-inducing all in one swift motion. Do this often, and at the most inopportune times. Once a day is not nearly enough. I'm thinking somewhere in the neighborhood of thirteen to forty-seven times a day. To maximize to offensiveness, do it sans pants.
4) Refer to all women as "sugar tits."
Hey, it's alright when they call us guys honey, sweetie, or baby. So why not give it right back to them. Apparently it worked pretty good for Mel, so add it to your repertoire. Also be sure to complement them on their "sweater melons," "firm buns," and "wobbly bits." Though for the coup de grace, give a good ol' fashioned slap on the ass to let 'em know they're doing a fine job. The only drawback to this is that it only goes after the female portion. Ah hell, go ahead and give the guys a smack on this ass. To really make it completely uncomfortable, make sure to let your hand maintain on the other guy's derriere just a tad too long. Maybe even say under your breath, "nice, tight, firm."
3) Place post-it notes everywhere.
And I do mean everywhere. On the vending machines, all around the monitors, hell even post some in the bathroom. For the vending machine, put a couple up describing your likes and dislikes in the selections. Make sure to give a little description to why you feel that way. "Snowballs give me gas." "Diet Coke makes my pee taste funny." The monitors are almost a given. Cover that thing up like Bloomberg TV. Make sure that they cannot even see to input their password without having to remove at least 6 post-its. Wait, no. Make it 10 post-its. That's much better. As far as the toilet is concerned, I'll leave this one up to your own twisted imagination. Extra kudos if you actually place four or more in the toilet bowl.
2) Play Donny Osmond CDs extremely loud.
Be sure to sing along too. Oh, oh, and emote grandly like only an Osmond would. If you're white you may want to take lessons so that you can shuffle along, sing, and snap your fingers at the same time. This may take a little practice in the mirror at home, or in the bathroom at work. Learn the lyrics, feel the rhythm, and sing, damn you, sing! This is the only tip that you can bring another coworker in on. If you can find an accomplice that could be like Jim and Pam doing Donny and Marie, that would be spectacular. Not as phenomenal as the Osmond Family tour of '76, but pretty freakin' fantabulous none the less.
1) Fart constantly.
Not only do you need to fart often and loudly, be as unapologetic about passing gas as possible. Break wind mid-sentence, during an important meeting, and even right up against another's leg. A ear-piercing volume is nice to shoot for, but most of all go for the rancid smell factor. Do what ever is necessary to make sure that your flatulence is as stinky as possible. Eat cooked cabbage, raw onions, habanero-tinged chili, bear meat. It just all depends on what you are most comfortable with sticking down your gullet.
Until next time:
"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue." - Scott Adams
Leaving it all
Just for a day"
Top Five Fridays - November 10, 2006:
Top five ways to offend your coworkers.
5) Jump out of nowhere, scare the beejesus out of everyone.
Hide around corners, in free cubicles, and sometimes even in the supply closet. To make it even sweeter whip out the ol' mask from last year's Halloween costume. Just make sure to bend at the knee when crouching low, and make a full upwards and forward thrust when jumping out at someone. You want to make it dramatic, terrifying, and pee-inducing all in one swift motion. Do this often, and at the most inopportune times. Once a day is not nearly enough. I'm thinking somewhere in the neighborhood of thirteen to forty-seven times a day. To maximize to offensiveness, do it sans pants.
4) Refer to all women as "sugar tits."
Hey, it's alright when they call us guys honey, sweetie, or baby. So why not give it right back to them. Apparently it worked pretty good for Mel, so add it to your repertoire. Also be sure to complement them on their "sweater melons," "firm buns," and "wobbly bits." Though for the coup de grace, give a good ol' fashioned slap on the ass to let 'em know they're doing a fine job. The only drawback to this is that it only goes after the female portion. Ah hell, go ahead and give the guys a smack on this ass. To really make it completely uncomfortable, make sure to let your hand maintain on the other guy's derriere just a tad too long. Maybe even say under your breath, "nice, tight, firm."
3) Place post-it notes everywhere.
And I do mean everywhere. On the vending machines, all around the monitors, hell even post some in the bathroom. For the vending machine, put a couple up describing your likes and dislikes in the selections. Make sure to give a little description to why you feel that way. "Snowballs give me gas." "Diet Coke makes my pee taste funny." The monitors are almost a given. Cover that thing up like Bloomberg TV. Make sure that they cannot even see to input their password without having to remove at least 6 post-its. Wait, no. Make it 10 post-its. That's much better. As far as the toilet is concerned, I'll leave this one up to your own twisted imagination. Extra kudos if you actually place four or more in the toilet bowl.
2) Play Donny Osmond CDs extremely loud.
Be sure to sing along too. Oh, oh, and emote grandly like only an Osmond would. If you're white you may want to take lessons so that you can shuffle along, sing, and snap your fingers at the same time. This may take a little practice in the mirror at home, or in the bathroom at work. Learn the lyrics, feel the rhythm, and sing, damn you, sing! This is the only tip that you can bring another coworker in on. If you can find an accomplice that could be like Jim and Pam doing Donny and Marie, that would be spectacular. Not as phenomenal as the Osmond Family tour of '76, but pretty freakin' fantabulous none the less.
1) Fart constantly.
Not only do you need to fart often and loudly, be as unapologetic about passing gas as possible. Break wind mid-sentence, during an important meeting, and even right up against another's leg. A ear-piercing volume is nice to shoot for, but most of all go for the rancid smell factor. Do what ever is necessary to make sure that your flatulence is as stinky as possible. Eat cooked cabbage, raw onions, habanero-tinged chili, bear meat. It just all depends on what you are most comfortable with sticking down your gullet.
Until next time:
"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue." - Scott Adams
posted by The Big Man | 11/10/2006 11:43:00 PM
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1 comments
