Top Five Fridays - November 17, 2006
"She feels them tearing down Salvation Army houses back in Michigan,
Her husband’s divorced but he treats her that way of course"
Top Five Fridays - November 17, 2006:
Top five ways Kevin can win Britney back.
5) Go on Oprah, apologize.
Nothing says that you love your woman more than announcing it on Winfrey's show. Be sure to win Oprah over with that charisma of yours. You know, that chutzpah with which got you Britney in the first place. Pledge your ever loving devotion, and say that you're sorry. Just please for the love of all that's holy don't jump up and down on the couch, and try to play a rousing game of Mercy with Oprah. You're but a peon, and Oprah can have you disappear from all of our collective conciousnesses. She has that power deep within her core.
4) No more baby momma drama.
Stop planting seeds in women across this great land of ours. Britney needs to be the final in your grand scheme of trying to populate the world with little ones constantly sportin' sideways hats, and droopy pants. Plus Britney seems to tolerate producing more little ones with you. Hell, maybe you can get enough to put together a football team. But with Britney, and Britney alone. Forget the other women. There'll never be a greater cash cow for you than Britney.*
3) Offer to bring her a baby from Africa.
We all know you're potent enough to plant another tax deduction in Britney, but for right now this is more of what she wants even more. Britney seems to follow anything that Madonna does, so adopt a little one from Africa. Bring it to her stoop, and explain how you want to spend the rest of your life helping to raise the lil' tyke. But you gotta make her believe you. Cull those acting chops you so brilliantly displayed on CSI, Monday Night RAW, and You Got Served. Channel your inner Keanu Reeves, maybe even shed a little tear.
2) Tell her what a phenomenal "artist" she is on a daily basis.
Even though she shoved out more babies than hit records in the past few years, she needs to be constantly reassured that she does in fact have talent. This could be because she doesn't have any at all. There are choreographers to teach her to dance, engineers to layer the hell out of her vocals, and stylists to make sure all her wobbly bits are in the upright position. She especially needs that daily affirmation after the whoopin' she's taken from Jessica Simpson. Simpson seems to have out imbeciled her. Since Jessica's star is fading a bit, now would be the prime time for Britney to shine once again. You ned to stand firm behind her. That way she can make oodles more money, and you can buy that new platinum-encrusted grill. That'll beef up your street cred.
1) Stop rapping.
You're white, deal with it. We can't seem to convince Eminem that's he's a honky, but maybe you'll wise up. The dismal sales of your CD need to serve as a reminder that you're a cracker, and have no flow. Once you come to that realization, maybe you'll be man enough to ask Britney to take you back. She's the best thing to happen to you. Maybe if she takes you back you can buy some decent clothes. You can buy a fiver of cotton wife beaters at Wally World for about ten bucks. But if you win her back you can get some of them silk, Gucci wife beaters for about three hun' an' fifty, playa. Um...I mean cracker ass crackah.
*...and no, I am not cracking on Britney's weight. She was on Letterman the other night looking fine. Except for that hair. Good lord woman, you've got the money to hire a decent stylist. Hell, Supercuts could have done a better job than that.
Until next time:
"The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff." - Britney Spears
Her husband’s divorced but he treats her that way of course"
Top Five Fridays - November 17, 2006:
Top five ways Kevin can win Britney back.
5) Go on Oprah, apologize.
Nothing says that you love your woman more than announcing it on Winfrey's show. Be sure to win Oprah over with that charisma of yours. You know, that chutzpah with which got you Britney in the first place. Pledge your ever loving devotion, and say that you're sorry. Just please for the love of all that's holy don't jump up and down on the couch, and try to play a rousing game of Mercy with Oprah. You're but a peon, and Oprah can have you disappear from all of our collective conciousnesses. She has that power deep within her core.
4) No more baby momma drama.
Stop planting seeds in women across this great land of ours. Britney needs to be the final in your grand scheme of trying to populate the world with little ones constantly sportin' sideways hats, and droopy pants. Plus Britney seems to tolerate producing more little ones with you. Hell, maybe you can get enough to put together a football team. But with Britney, and Britney alone. Forget the other women. There'll never be a greater cash cow for you than Britney.*
3) Offer to bring her a baby from Africa.
We all know you're potent enough to plant another tax deduction in Britney, but for right now this is more of what she wants even more. Britney seems to follow anything that Madonna does, so adopt a little one from Africa. Bring it to her stoop, and explain how you want to spend the rest of your life helping to raise the lil' tyke. But you gotta make her believe you. Cull those acting chops you so brilliantly displayed on CSI, Monday Night RAW, and You Got Served. Channel your inner Keanu Reeves, maybe even shed a little tear.
2) Tell her what a phenomenal "artist" she is on a daily basis.
Even though she shoved out more babies than hit records in the past few years, she needs to be constantly reassured that she does in fact have talent. This could be because she doesn't have any at all. There are choreographers to teach her to dance, engineers to layer the hell out of her vocals, and stylists to make sure all her wobbly bits are in the upright position. She especially needs that daily affirmation after the whoopin' she's taken from Jessica Simpson. Simpson seems to have out imbeciled her. Since Jessica's star is fading a bit, now would be the prime time for Britney to shine once again. You ned to stand firm behind her. That way she can make oodles more money, and you can buy that new platinum-encrusted grill. That'll beef up your street cred.
1) Stop rapping.
You're white, deal with it. We can't seem to convince Eminem that's he's a honky, but maybe you'll wise up. The dismal sales of your CD need to serve as a reminder that you're a cracker, and have no flow. Once you come to that realization, maybe you'll be man enough to ask Britney to take you back. She's the best thing to happen to you. Maybe if she takes you back you can buy some decent clothes. You can buy a fiver of cotton wife beaters at Wally World for about ten bucks. But if you win her back you can get some of them silk, Gucci wife beaters for about three hun' an' fifty, playa. Um...I mean cracker ass crackah.
*...and no, I am not cracking on Britney's weight. She was on Letterman the other night looking fine. Except for that hair. Good lord woman, you've got the money to hire a decent stylist. Hell, Supercuts could have done a better job than that.
Until next time:
"The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff." - Britney Spears
posted by The Big Man | 11/17/2006 11:14:00 PM
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